the friendship diet

The Bad Ass Mother: Make Way for Her

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Inside every woman is a warrior. (Image created using CANVA)

While getting divorced, my lawyer hit on me.

“It gets very lonely at night. You’ll see. You deserve pleasure.”

He took my hand in his. And I removed it, gingerly, as one does walking away from a live, exposed wire.

I was a young mom, caught in the crosshairs of a legal system that gave power to those with deep pockets — regardless of concepts like justice and morality. My lawyer and his pinky ring held the key to the next door of my life.

Looking back, I realize I gave my former lawyer the key. I’d handed it to him on a vulnerable, insecure platter.

We become what we believe.

Life Reflecting Belief

The world is always mirroring to us what we believe about ourselves. Back then, I believed I received the poor treatment from my former lawyer that I deserved.

Boundaries were regularly crossed because I didn’t even think to have them. 

Low self-esteem does that. It creates a world of default assumptions, allowing a person to morph into prey. 

We cannot control the actions others take. But we can have agency for ourselves. Self-esteem builds healthy boundaries. It isn’t frightened to remove a hand from an unprofessional lawyer with highly manicured hands. A woman with strong self esteem is too busy being clear about what she wants to care one cent about the frail ego of another.

The Bad Ass Mother

Hallmark can show all the sappy movies it likes of mother’s being spoiled with breakfast in bed; commercials can advertise all the eye-catching merchandise to “spoil mom.”

 But what about every day of the year? What happens when the sun goes down and it’s status-quo Monday morning?

I am a Bad Ass Mother. I love myself. Really, radically love myself. Even when it’s hard. ESPECIALLY when it’s hard. And I invite you to do the same.

You don’t need to be a mother to mother yourself. You are a part of Mother Nature. You possess all the tools needed to grow your bad ass garden.🪴

Bling is nice. So are vacations. Beautiful clothing. Cars. Flowers. Gourmet meals. But none of it matters a bit without the womb of it all: self esteem.

With strong self esteem, you are naturally going to mother yourself. You won’t take crap from others. You will take steps in the direction of your dreams. You will not settle for breadcrumbs in your personal relationships. You will love yourself for doing things that scare the shit out of you but will allow you to grow. This is cause for a Mother’s Day celebration.

No one is coming to save you because no one else can do the work but you. 

A bad ass mom does what Mel Robbins says:

“Doing what makes you happy, being brave, taking risks, and following your own path will always be more important than other people’s opinions about it. This is YOUR life. Stop allowing what other people think keep you from living it.” Mel Robbins

Join me in being a Bad Ass Mom. Defiantly love every part of yourself — especially the parts you have the most trouble loving. Even the willingness to do so is a huge step.

The greatest relationship you will ever have is the one with YOURSELF. Radically give yourself compassion. Mother yourself like a bad ass. Know you matter.

And you’ll start to notice the world around you will reflect this inner change. That kind of self esteem and self acceptance is both palpable and contagious. It is emotional kryptonite for toxic people.

To the Loved One You Can’t Reach

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When the Shit Hits the Fan (Literally)

This past week, the shit (literally) hit the fan. 

You know those moments when you are holding life together by a flimsy strand? You think: “This is tough, but I got this.”💪

The self-pep talk renders you akin to a duck on the water. Sure, you look smooth on the surface, but you are paddling furiously just below the shallow current.🦆

Still, if you could hold it together for a tad longer, you think you can make it through the day/week/month without imploding.🤯

And then, the shit hits the fan…

While the aphorism is apropos of anything negative happening on a grand scale (where no amount of duck paddling will work) in my case, 💩 floated through the first floor of my home, a river of it swimming through like a feces canal.🤢

The short version of this smelly (true) story: a broken sewer line pipe caused the issue, and it’s going to cost a year of college tuition to repair (Let’s not even speak about insurance…).

What’s In YOUR Plumbing?🤔

Remember that duck analogy? Yeah, my waddle was already quacking upstream when the R.O.P. (River of Stool) hit. 

A home’s pipes are like the arteries in a body: everything’s connected.

I thought about this idea of connection a lot. Each of us is connected to each other in this world, on a micro and macro level. And those arteries, while not always physical, either close or open and sometimes need to be replaced altogether.

It was when the R.O.P. hit that I started to become aware of the R.O.P in a close relationship. My heart would always ache when I spoke to this person. Invisible cracks would start to form. I’d Band-aid the pain up with rationalization and distraction.

I was regularly this person’s quasi-therapist — a sounding board for her to throw her deluge of negativity my way. I’d sop up her violin music with emotional pompoms that I’d shake until she felt better.

But there’s a price paid for being someone’s emotional tsunami and it’s much higher than any insurance deductible.

It took my literal (sewer) pipes breaking to realize the shitstorm I was accepting in my personal relationship.

Waddling upstream, I could remain in the comfort zone of rationalization for this person’s toxic behavior.

But when I was at ground zero, emotionally, physically, financially and could no longer waddle upstream, I needed a lifeline. I was drowning.

And what did she do? She continued to do what she always does: she took out her violins and made the moment all about herself. She pulled out the “one up” card: “You think you have it bad. Let me tell you what I’m going through.”🙈

I wasn’t looking for anything more than a lifeline. A simple handful of words like “I’m so sorry.” or “That must be tough.”

Nope. Instead, she regaled me with violin music about how tough she had it today, yesterday, and always. It was all about her. I couldn’t reach her over her whiny notes. I realized then that the crap in my home was nothing compared to the emotional crap she’d been dishing me for years.

I’m in pain — much more about this relationship than my home. A pipe can be replaced. A house can be rebuilt. Money can be replenished. 

But our personal relationships…those are spiritual fingerprints. They touch our soul.

The emotional pipes cannot always be replaced. But they can be examined and if needed, reshaped and recycled so that the heart doesn’t continue to get broken. We can shift our perspective, through the aperture of compassion — for ourselves and those we love — recognizing that some emotional pipes cannot provide the oxygen our heart needs to thrive.

Serious Laughs Podcast

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All About Our Crazy Relationships

Relationships. We all have them. From our pets and plants to our siblings and spouses, to be human is to have ‘em.Life on this spinning planet (AKA The Earth School) offers us countless opportunities to explore who we are within and from our relationships. And it’s not just our two and four-legged creatures involved in this exploration. Nope! We have relationships with the foods we eat, the emotions we feel, the places we visit, the literal things in our lives.To be a student of the Earth school is to take a course in the relationship between our inner and outer world.🤯

Serious Laughs

Planet Earth needs some serious TLC right now. And that includes ample doses of humor. There’s nothing like a good wow-I-wish-I-was-wearing-Depends-now laughter to boost our dopamine levels.

Whatever life’s adventures, a sense of purpose arrives when we focus on two things: the what and why.

Serious Laughs is the what. It’s a place you can tune into each week to laugh and reflect.

Why Serious Laughs? Because life is H-A-R-D. It is not easy to be a human on the Earth School. It takes falling and getting back up again. It takes courage. It requires tenacity. And humor helps life’s various forms of medicine go down.

Laughter is universal. It offers the power to disarm and connect us to each other and to ourselves.

There’s a paradox going on in the 21st century: technology has allowed us to be more plugged into each other than ever, but a sense of isolation and disconnection is at an all time high.

“One in three Americans feels lonely every week.”-APA Poll

Serious Laughs is (what) a show about our relationships that’s infused with humor and vulnerability (why)because life is both bitter and sweet and filled with enough contradictions to make belly laughs a fantastic way to stave off a need for the loony bin.🤪

The 411 on Serious Laughs

Our podcast drops new episodes every Thursday:

SeriousLaughsPod-YouTube

SeriousLaughsPod-Spotify

And, of course, we’re on Instagram @seriouslaughspod

The Illusion of Love

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And why we fall for it

I discovered boys at a young age. A generous portion of my teen years were spent choosing a different “crush” in each class — an unusually fun form of academic entertainment.

Each boy had a story: the tough guy who was misunderstood, the quiet one who spent his afternoons sketching seagulls at the beach, the funny boy who used humor to deflect pain that I daydreamed about healing.

And yet…

The narratives of each boy were more fictional than a Harry Potter series. 

They were surface tales that made me feel good to weave in my imagination.

Illusory Dating

But then, dating started. 

“He likes you.”

The three coveted words my riddled-with-hormones brain wanted to hear. It didn’t matter who the he was. What mattered: someone liked me.

My teens and 20’s were greatly spent looking externally for a sense of self worth.

The primary focus: what did they think of me?

It was secondary to consider how I felt about them. My value was tied to their perception of me.

When we look for merit or worth in another’s eyes, we give away our power.

When we hand over the invisible yardstick of worth to another, we lose ourselves.

There is often an illusion to dating — particularly in our youth: we believe the person we are attracted to is the cutest, sweetest, funniest or any other “est” qualities we find ourselves thinking. But who “they” are is just an illusion of what we want them to be.

One of the many boys I had a crush on was Zack — a sarcastic know-it-all, a “bad boy” with whom I shared an AP History class. Almost every day, Zack would come up to me, give me a playful smile that reached his blue eyes and say, “Can I have a quarter?”

Sometimes, I’d give him one; sometimes, I didn’t. The quarter was irrelevant in my 15-year-old-hormone-rattled brain. 

What mattered: Zach’s attention toward me — including those playful blue eyes. 

My focus was so consumed on his attention towards me — like a beggar starving for crumbs — that my heart began thumping like mad in my chest every time I saw his long legs make their approach to my desk.

And if he winked at me? Utter elation.

As a grown woman now, hindsight renders me shaking my head, a humorously sad smile on my lips.

Zack was a goofy kid with a lot of chutzpah. Maybe he thought I was cute; maybe he just needed money. He smelled like he hadn’t gotten the memo on deodorant — all sweaty and stinky from a mix of hormones and PE. He had as much experience at flirting as a fish living out of water. 

Dating in youth (crushes included) often includes two potential illusions:

  1. Creating a story of who someone else is.

and

2. Creating a story of who we are (in an attempt to please the other)

It’s no wonder so many of us in our early dalliances found heartache: we were dating an illusion, experiencing relationships based on false or incomplete narratives.

Illusory Love

Real love — that intangible experience humans crave and is written about in everything from songs to scripts, arrives like a crockpot meal: in time.

Intimacy requires trust — something acquired over time. But this is not just intimacy with another; at some point, love means intimacy with ourselves.

Illusory love is the couple that rationalizes they are “good” when the frowns in their faces speak a different story. It is the white picket fence of relationships that looks great on the outside, but you can’t help but notice the paint chipping when you step closer.

When we eclipse who we are to please another, it doesn’t matter how many years we’ve shared with a partner. Resentment and disappointment fill the cracks of the unstable foundation. 

An illusory love is the emotional equivalent of building a house on quicksand — it won’t last.

There’s a powerful quote from author Alice Hoffman that illuminates the why behind our seemingly irrational behavior to chose or remain in an unhealthy romantic relationship:

“Is it the man you want, or the feeling inside you when someone cares?”

When we remember the why behind our behaviors — particularly with love — we can better discern if we are with someone out of love or its illusion.

The late Maya Angelou once said:

“When a child walks in the room…do your eyes light up? That’s what they’re looking for.”

We are children in grown up bodies, hungry to matter, starving for connection. 

But the greatest connection, the most important relationship will ever have is the one with ourselves.

When we nourish ourselves, when we remember that our self worth is sourced from within, we are less likely to fall prey to an illusory love.

 The grounded feeling of knowing you matter prevents starvation and taking emotional crumbs from someone who is not in your best interest.

Soothing News for Worriers

/ Sheri / 2 Comments

It’s a sunny day as I write, the sky a seamless swath of pale blue. The warmth of the sun’s rays kiss the floorboards and my feet.

Man, it feels good.

But only yesterday, rain pummeled down from a sky reminiscent of horror flicks. Driving through the puddled streets was an exercise in caution.

And yet, both today and yesterday, I have the power to choose my reaction to the weather.

Sounds easy enough; but what happens when the changed environment isn’t as benign as the weather?

What happens when a life change involves something someone said or did?

The Sky Isn’t Mad at You

We all know that a blue or cloudy sky isn’t about us. Mother Nature will continue to do her thing. Whether it’s a stunning 75 degrees or a chilly 45, we know the weather isn’t personal.

And yet, we tend to personalize our emotions and take them as static.

Unhappiness manifests when we take a negative emotion and either deny its existence or take it personally.

Life happens through us; we don’t own the experience. We are no less ephemeral than Nature itself. In her groundbreaking book, Just a Thought, Dr. Amy Johnson shares the subtle yet profound cognitive error plaguing most of us:

“Ever since you’ve been old enough to think about yourself and your thinking. Ever since you’ve been old enough to cling to and personalize your moving, changing experience, it’s looked as if what you experience is you. It’s looked like your psychological experience means something stable about who-you-are at your essence….It is not, and it does not.”

Our emotions feel personal. But they aren’t. As the Taoist philosopher, Wei Wu Wei said:

“Why are you unhappy? Because 99.9 percent of everything you think, and everything you do, is for yourself — and there isn’t one.”

What Brains Do

Our brains are wired to protect us. They are constantly chattering to us, offering us zillions of ways to look out for our safety. Our cerebrums are hardwired for our survival. So it’s no wonder that our brains:

  • compare
  • judge
  • predict
  • create narratives
  • solve
  • dramatize
  • find patterns

But here’s the great news:

We have the power to choose awareness at any moment. We can choose to acknowledge our miraculous brains without heeding its every suggestion (or what it often feels like, command).

Embracing Discomfort

When we feel anxious or depressed, our brains kick into overdrive, offering anything and everything to keep us “safe”.

For example, let’s say you are anxious about an important test coming up. Your mind might chatter on in the following manner:

“If you don’t study more, you will FAIL! You remember, you failed that test in 7th grade because you didn’t study enough. You aren’t as smart as other people, so you need to work twice as hard. What is wrong with you, thinking you can relax now when the test is tomorrow?! You should be ashamed of yourself. If you fail this test, you will be such a disappointment to your parents and friends. Is that what you want??”

Notice the word “should” and the brain’s razor-sharp ability to compare a past failure to the present situation — even labeling the failed test as a failure in itself instead of reframing it as a learning experience. Notice the brain’s derogatory language, questioning the person’s ability to make sound decisions, serving up potential embarrassment and shame on a guilty platter.

The brain’s chatter feels so personal. It can feel downright painful.

But when we remember that it’s not personal, that mental gymnastics is just what brains do, we can take a deep breath and observe.

We can lean into the discomfort we experience and know that, just like the clouds that cover the sun, the sensations of dread and angst WILL pass.

Fear only festers when we deny its existence.

When we acknowledge, with self-compassion, as the objective observer that we are experiencing negative emotions, they can more easily pass through us.

We experience emotions; we aren’t the emotions.

Soothing Our Brains

My son called me the other day from college, very stressed. I shared a 10-minute Calm meditation with him via text. Ten minutes. He called me the next day to say it “really helped.”

Meditation allows us the space to observe rather than react.

Meditation is an act of self-compassion. It is an unspoken invitation to the Universe and our soul to connect.

Often, our brains’ (initial) response to meditation is protest. The monkey mind tends to throw in all kinds of machinations. I liken the mind to an overtired toddler, fighting her afternoon nap:

“This is stupid! You have so much to do and all you’re doing is focusing on your breathing — what the hell point is that? Did you turn the oven off? You never returned that important phone call. You are so irresponsible. Do you even know what you are going to wear to that party tomorrow??”

And on and on it will go…and just like the overtired toddler, if you observe long enough, the chattering, overly vocal brain will eventually quiet and realize the Silent Observer (YOU) are in charge.

Meditation reminds us that whatever we are feeling or experiencing is temporary.

Meditation strengthens our spiritual muscle to better handle life’s ever-changing journey.

May the following meditation bring you peace and comfort:

The Daily Calm 10 Minute Meditation

Relationship Choosing is HARD

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Jordan always opened the car door for me. He said all the right things: asking how my day was, complimenting how I looked, asking me on another date.

But he also refused to kiss me after I’d eaten shrimp.

“You want to kiss me? You’ll have to brush your teeth first. Shrimp isn’t kosher.”

His words made sense from a logical standpoint: shrimp is shellfish and Jordan eats kosher.

Yet from an intuitive, gut-level, Jordan’s words felt judgmental and controlling.

Intuition Whispers

Intuition (typically) doesn’t scream. No, intuition is that sweet friend at a party that whispers you have a poppy seed stuck between your two front teeth. 

Our intuition speaks to us through feelings.

At first, those feelings are subtle. And that’s when it’s the most important time to pay attention.

The actions of another matter more than words.

Jordan said all of the “right things, but his actions told me everything.

What is Intuition Anyway?

The root word tuit is from the latin word tueri which translates to tutor and means “to look at or watch over.”

Our intuition is us going within for counseling our guidance.

My intuition told me to heed the feeling of constraint and judgment I felt based on Jordan’s actions.

And yet, I ignored my intuition. I pushed it away and focused on the external. I choose to see only Jordan’s:

  • full head of blond hair that I loved running my fingers through
  • green eyes light up when I entered a room
  • kisses that left me swooning

Youth is no excuse, but I was very young at the time. 

There is a tendency in youth to possess an affinity for the external of things.

I brushed my teeth, shoving down the bitter taste I felt despite my minty fresh breath.

When We Ignore Intuition

Jordan started saying things that made me feel like I was in a snow globe: his words both haunting and hypnotic.

“I want to take care of you. I want to put you up on a shelf.”

When were about to meet his parents, Jordan insisted we go clothes shopping for me.

Me:“Why? I have plenty of clothing.”

Jordan: “I didn’t want to say anything, but it’s the way you dress. My parents are conservative. I don’t want them to get the wrong impression about you.”

Again, my intuition spoke to me; only this time it was more of a poking, sickening feeling. It said:

You can dress however you want to. This man does not get to decide what you wear. 

Still, I ignored my intuition’s pokes and jabs for me to “wake up” and wore “Jordan Approved Clothing” to meet his parents.

The bitter taste of shame from when I brushed my teeth to please Jordan tainted everything I ate that night.

Intuition Never Gives Up

I am not ready to share the final straw that broke me open, but I will note:

Our intuition never leaves us; it only grows louder with time.

It would be almost two decades before I finally listened to my intuition. Two decades of:

  • the waves of shame and judgement 
  • living under Jordan’s figurative thumb
  • physical ailments
  • low self-esteem

Our body develops an affinity for sickness when we depend on another for our self-worth.

Intuition speaks to us by highlighting those negative feelings and outward symptoms. It offers more and more unpleasant sensations, unrelenting until we are ready to pay attention and change course.

The Danger of Running from Loneliness

I met Jordan after losing someone very close to me.

Mourning is not a good time to start dating.

I was in terrible emotional pain over the loss of someone dear to me. I wanted something to stop the palpable sense of “aloneness” I’d felt.

When we feel lonely, it is important to acknowledge the feeling, lean into it, embrace it.

There’s a lesson in every emotion. It’s there to teach us something about ourselves.

Our intuition wants us to acknowledge the good and bad feelings that come up in life.

But I didn’t want to feel the pain. I wanted anything and everything to take me in and never let go.

Not the best time to date. It’s no wonder I attracted someone who wanted to put me on a shelf.

When we run from a negative emotion, we ironically, invite it to stay longer.

It wasn’t until I went through the pain that I began to discover peace.

Relationship Choosing is Hard

Relationship choosing is HARD! 

The prefix RE means back or again.

When we enter into a relationship, we are literally seeing a reflection about who and where we are in our life’s journey.

  • Someone is rubbing you the wrong way? There’s a lesson there.
  • Find yourself attracting controlling people? There’s a lesson there.
  • Feeling misunderstood by your partner? There’s a lesson there.

And if you are feeling lonely, there is a lesson there as well because:

The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself.

When we fall in love with ourselves, discovering and embracing all of our facets, our intuition thanks us with those good-feeling vibes we are craving.

When self-love is at the helm of our spiritual ship, our internal compass steers us right where we need to be, again and again.

So, the next time you find yourself feeling something less-than-pleasant from a loved one, ask yourself:

What is this feeling showing me?

Self-compassion is the cornerstone for hearing our intuition. It offers us the sacred space to honor what we are experiencing, without judgement.

*Name has been altered for privacy.

My Therapist, Kenny Rogers

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The late Kenny Rogers recently made an entrance into my life.

Maybe it’s because he knew I needed some help.

The singer and songwriter’s lyrics whispered to me like a forgotten dream:

“I’ve made a life out of readin’ people’s faces, knowin’ what the cards were by the way they held their eyes. So if you don’t mind my sayin’, I can see you’re out of aces.”

How’d Kenny know I was out of aces?

Kenny Roger’s Wisdom

To live means risk. Life hands us a deck of cards. Some of those cards are desirable; some are the kind you want to hide from the world.

The cards life deals us are always changing. And one person’s perception of fortune can be another’s confirmation of failure.

How we perceive life’s cards makes all the difference.

Kenny’s lyrics reminds us that our attitude affects a great deal of our outcome.

If we believe we are out of aces — opportunity or fortune, it will show in our body language.

The Problem

A family member called me a couple of times while I was at work to tell me:

“It’s your birthday soon. Here’s what you are going to do. Here’s when you are going to do it.”

It’s worth noting: I had told my family I had a big work event and not to call me that day.

This family member not only didn’t respect my reminder not to call that day; they called me twice, finally leaving a text message that their “plane tickets” were all booked and now they were waiting for me to book mine.

There was never any question such as:

  • Would a trip on this day at this place work with your schedule?
  • What would you like to do for your 50th?

My Therapist, Kenny Rogers

I was annoyed that this family member was dictating how I “should” celebrate my birthday.

There’s something about turning 50 that feels symbolic. It’s the chronological wake-up call to take stock of life, standing on the precipice of life’s past and the unknown future left.

“I don’t want them telling me what to do or how to celebrate my birthday!”

Thankfully, I had my dear therapist, Kenny Rogers to offer his gambling wisdom:

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.”

And Kenny’s sage advice continued:

“Every gambler knows, that the secret to surviving’ is knowin’ what to throw away and knowin’ what to keep.”

Mic drop, Kenny Rogers. Man does he know his stuff.

Life’s Gamble

The family member who made my blood pressure rise has a huge heart.

And here’s the truth: no one can make us angry unless we allow it.

An Australian army nurse, Elizabeth Kenny once said:

“He who angers you, controls you.”

We are all diamonds in this life, coming into this space and time with many facets. Sometimes, the less attractive facets shine brighter than others.

The facets we choose to focus on determine our life’s experience.

I could choose to focus on my family member’s controlling personality facet, or I could decide to lean into their big heart.

Our challenges are either “winners or losers”, depending on how we perceive them.

Kenny Helps Me Decide How to Play

Kenny helped me see that my family member is nothing more than a little child in a grown up’s body, so eager to see me and celebrate my birthday, they forgot things like:

  • boundaries
  • considering my perspective

There is no malice to this family member. I’ve often thought of them as bull in a china shop: opinionated, loud, and clueless to what they are psychologically knocking over in their wake.

This person puts everything into their family. And sometimes that means missing the forest for the trees.

So, I’ve decided to turn 50 in the location they’ve told — er, strongly suggested. My ticket is booked. I will get to be surrounded by family I miss like crazy.

I’ve let go of the need for this family member to be a “winning card” on my terms and accepted them for where they are right now.

I’ve let go of the need to “change my hand”, appreciating the family deck just the way it is.

For this round of life, I’ve decided to hold. And it feels pretty darn good.

*Kenny Rogers’ lyrics are from The Gambler

My Date with a Billionaire

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Peter* is handsome and the founder of a company that takes in over a billion in sales each year. He travels all over the world in luxury, meets with former US Presidents, and is in fantastic shape.

Asked Out by a Billionaire

It’s not everyday that one gets asked out by a billionaire. Perhaps it’s more likely for one to be struck by lightening. 

In the Age of Cyberspace, I was sent a Friend Request by a very handsome man. 

In the Age of Cyberspace, I was able to learn a great deal about this stranger before deciding to accept his request.

The Facebook Down-Low 

Peter loves to travel. He has one sibling and owns multiple properties. Peter has a full head of hair and likes to spend time on the beach. He’s a father. He’s the Founder and owner of a well-known company.

I decided to accept Peter’s request.

Those First Text Messages

Peter was over-the-moon that I had accepted his Friend Request. He wrote eloquently and asked me engaging questions before asking me out to dinner.

“I’m in my ________ home now, but I’ll be flying back to ________ and would love to take you to dinner.”

Peter proceeded to suggest 5 different restaurants, each one ridiculously expensive. He then offered to pick me up or hire a car for me.

“Thank you for the offer. I’ll meet you there.”

My History with Wealthy Men

Years ago, I was with someone wealthy. However, when our relationship didn’t work out, the wealth was used as a weapon:

What Wealth Feels Like

So, it made sense that my spiritual hackles were raised by Peter — an affluent stranger who asked me out on social media.

Still, everyone is different and everyone deserves a chance.

 To discriminate against someone wealthy is no different than discriminating against someone poor.

Our date was set.

The Little Pebble in Your Shoe

You put on your socks, step into your shoes and something doesn’t feel right. You walk around and try to ignore it, but it’s there, you can just feel that something is in the way.

Sometimes it’s the little pebble in the shoe that needs to be addressed.

My little pebble: the age difference.

Upon further internet browsing, I learned that we weren’t ten years apart as originally assumed, nor fifteen years, but 17 years apart.

Does it Make a Difference?

As a social experiment, I’m purposely not sharing which direction this age difference is. For example, is Peter:

  • 17 years younger than me?
  • 17 years older than me?

Why?

 Because it doesn’t make a difference which way the age gap falls, almost 2 decades of “Age Distance” in either direction is significant.

What Does Matter

There’s nothing like preparing for a date with a billionaire to remind someone of what really matters:

Heeding your own inner voice and guidance.

Easier said than done on the cusp of a date with a billionaire. Suddenly, everyone has to give their two cents (seriously, no pun intended;-) As Clint Eastwood says in Dead Pool:

“Opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one.”

And the unsolicited opinions arrived:

“Seventeen years isn’t so bad.”

“Just go out with him for the experience.”

“You’ll be taken care of.”

“Who cares if you have nothing in common — he’s rich!”

“Let him spoil you. You deserve to be spoiled.”

“When he’s that rich, who the hell cares about age.”

Going Inward

Advice aside, I needed to listen to what I thought was important. 

At the end of the day, it’s what YOU think that matters.

When I got quiet, I could hear my voice above the cacophony of others’:

Money comes and goes. It does not make a person. Certainly, money makes life easier. But I do not want or need a man to make my life easier. I want someone in my age range to enjoy and experience this life with on equal footing. The uneasiness in my stomach felt every time I think of this date is my body’s intuition. 

This man seems kind. I do not want to waste his time. He deserves to spend time with someone who will look forward to his company, not one who is looking for the EXIT sign as soon as they meet.

While our financial bank accounts might look a world different, we each carry a mortal bank account and deserve to spend it wisely before our unknown expiration dates.

My Decision

Once I realized that it was better — for me — to cancel our date, I took action.

Peter was a perfect gentleman, writing that he understood and wishing me and my family a Happy Thanksgiving.

My decision to cancel the date wasn’t personal to Peter; it was personal for me.

Peter “got” that. No doubt, he will meet the perfect woman for him.

The Fallout 

As with any decision we make in this world, there are reactions from those well-meaning people in our lives with their buttholes — er, opinions.

When people are disappointed in your decision, remember that it’s about them, not you.

Peter wasn’t offended in the least. He knew my decision was not about him. The age difference was my issue, not his.

My dear family and friends (not all) were overflowing with their opinions regarding my decision. I felt like I was a sport’s team, and they hadn’t liked my last play.

At the end of the day, our life’s choices are ours to live with.

Had I gone on the date or had I maintained my decision to decline doesn’t matter to anyone else — it doesn’t affect anyone else.

People who are close to us often mistake their opinions as ours.

When we are close to someone, we can easily lose ourselves in the story told to us.

But we are not someone else’s story. We can choose, at any time, to get back into the driver’s seat of our life and decide what does and doesn’t work for us.

The Good and Bad of Opinions

Opinions offer opportunities for us to consider other viewpoints and challenge our own. 

The danger of opinions, if we aren’t vigilant, is that they can stealthily morph into our own until we are living the life someone else wanted for us.

Vigilance is key. Paying attention to our body’s reactions to another’s advice. Questioning our reactions yet trusting them to guide us.

There is no wrong decision when it comes from our intuition.

*Name is altered for privacy purposes

Thankful of Steroids

/ Sheri / Leave a comment

And why it matters

Want to know a secret?

Whether you think life is awful or wonderful, you are correct.

The good news: we each have the power to alter our perceptions at any moment.

Live Like My Little Sis

I’ve just returned from the gift of spending time with my younger sister in NY. Well…my sister and her family. During my time there, the following occurred:

  • the bathroom mirror literally started to peel off the wall like a Reflective Tower of Pisa
  • a washing machine began to “chew” clothing reminiscent of a toddler with teething issues
  • the brisket splattered EVERYWHERE (leaving a sticky-savory trail from the oven to the floor — the dogs were smitten)
  • children needed to be taken to doctors while work emergencies erupted

And yet, my little sis’ remained calm and easy, all while preparing a thirteen person dinner party to welcome me home.

Humor as Medicine

Listen, I’m sharing a “sample platter” of all the “dishes” my awesome sis’ handled in the days I spent at her home. This chica has A LOT going on. 

Were there conflicts that arose? Absolutely.

But Little Sis’ handled whatever came her way with humor and grace.

Humor is an undervalued form of medicine. 

Humor makes life’s challenging arrows more palatable. 

When we are able to find humor in those tense moments, we alter our perspective. Life’s challenges and heartaches don’t seem as sharp.

Humor softens our focus, working as a balm to our pain or unease.

We Become What We Think

After creating the first and second platters, my sister had the same reaction each time:

“This is so much fun! Look at how cool this is? I love this!” 

My Little Sis’ was literally jumping up and down each time she completed the platters.

Her eyes danced with delight each time she completed another step creating her cornbread, her lemon zest ricotta cake, her rosemary and apple-infused turkey — you name the dish, she was lit up more than a tree at Rockefeller Center.

When challenges arose, she de-escalated the issue immediately by:

  • focusing on what was working
  • offering a helpful suggestion 
  • bringing her infectious humor

Little Sis’ loves serving the people she cares about. She loves making a difference, loves challenging herself to create new things.

Take it from Oprah:

“What you focus on expands and when you focus on the goodness in your life, you create more of it.”

Focusing on the Good is Contagious

We are all energy. So it’s no wonder that my Little Sis’ family “caught” her warmth and love throughout my visit. And, of course, I wasn’t immune either.

Appreciation is a form of meditation.

I started to notice how long my nephew’s eyelashes are when he looked down to focus on the board game we were playing.

I noticed the sound of my older nephew’s laugh made me think of a warm sunrise.

I noticed the comfort and easiness, the vulnerability and strength between my Little Sis’ and her sweet hubby.

The Gift of Slowing Down

As we approach this holiday season, I’m making a concerted effort to focus on slowing down, not speeding up. I want to relish the gift of this life, honoring my reactions and impressions along the way. 

We will never get “there” because there is no final destination.

There is only the precious moment of now. And when we choose to focus on how amazing this moment, and the next moment is, our lives grow evermore awesome.

MENTAL HEALTH

/ Sheri / Leave a comment

The Doctor Will See You Now

Finding insight and healing in writing

We can attend to our inner wounds through self-reflective writing.

The boy sat staring at the blank page in front him, while his fourth grade peers wrote with gusto.

One word came to mind as I took in the 9-year-old with gripped pencil in hand:

fear

Writing as a Vehicle

The students were filling in their journals, writing about their family members. Kids were smiling as they wrote about their parents, siblings, and cousins. The giddiness in the room was palpable.

Writing about ourselves is a powerful vehicle for self-discovery.

Still, the 9-year-old-boy with the gripped pencil remained staring at the untouched page.

Me: You okay?

Student: I don’t know if my dad is a family member. My mom said, I can’t see my dad anymore and that he’s no longer my dad. So, do I include my dad?

Ouch. 

Sometimes, the vehicle of writing brings some rough terrain.

Fostering Self-Discovery

Education is all about offering tools to empower. Writing is one of those foundational tools. Our world is literally built on words; it is the machinery that drives innovation and self-awareness.

The young student’s question offered an opportunity for him to self-reflect and find the answer within.

Me: That depends. What do you think? Do you think your father is still your father?

Student: Yes.

Me: Then that’s your answer.

Writing LightBulb Moments

Immediately I saw the boy’s eyes light up, his pencil no longer gripped with fear, but instead, moving with great energy in the no-longer empty journal.

When we lean into the painful questions through writing, sans judgement, aha moments abound.

Writing puts us in the driver’s seat of our life. It offers an opportunity for us to slow down and consider what we think, not what the cacophonous world at large says to think.

When we go within to write, we literally slow down our brain waves and decrease anxiety. Slowed down, we find space to explore problems from a greater creative perspective.

Writing as Therapy

The 9-year-old student was eager to share his family tree and some of their personality traits with the rest of the group. The once anxious face he carried was now emanating pure joy.

Writing offers us the opportunity to go within for counsel.

I never told the young student what to think of his father. The power to perceive his father as his father is his choice. 

Writing allows us to take the reins of our perception.

It doesn’t matter whether we are 9 or 99 years old — our perceptions are ours alone. 

Metacognition, the act of understanding one’s own thoughts and perceptions, only grows stronger with self-reflective writing.

 When we write, we are no different than a radio dial, tuning into what we think about the world around us.

Writing as a Doctor

When we write reflectively, we are taking care of ourselves. We are nurturing our brain waves and self-esteem.

When we take the time to write reflectively, we are subconsciously sending a message to our psyche: what I think and how I feel matters.

Writing reflectively opens the door to the best doctor for you to visit with: your Highest Self. Stress hormones lower, sadness is articulated and addressed. Emotions — in all of their colors — are addressed. Self-compassion and self-awareness are cultivated.